Visitor Info

Plan Your Pilgrimage to the Everglade’s Premier Penal Paradise

Location:

📍 Somewhere deep in the swamp off Highway 41, Ochopee, Florida – (Look for the signs marked “No Trespassing,” “Federal Property,” and “Do Not Approach the Fence”, then go farther.)

Getting Here:

• By Car: Just keep driving west from Miami until your cell signal drops and you hear banjo music.
• By Air: Only one-way flights allowed. Immigration paperwork required.
• By Airboat: Technically illegal, definitely awesome. Arrive soaked and slightly hunted.

Hours:

🔒 24/7 Detainment
🕘 Tourist Hours: Unofficial and strongly discouraged.

Dress Code:

Breathable fabrics, closed-toe shoes, and a strong sense of irony.

Amenities Include:

• Redundant power systems (for when the regular power fails, and it will).
• A/C everywhere because the swamp will try to kill you.
• Free-range crocodiles. (Do not feed.)

❓ FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions About Your Favorite Unauthorized Attraction

Q: Is this a real prison?
A: No! It’s a “detention and deportation facility with natural perimeter deterrents.” So… yes.

Q: Can I take pictures?
A: Only if you’re not afraid of surveillance drones mistaking your phone for a threat.

Q: What happens if I get too close to the fence?
A: You become a hands-on example during the “Why You Shouldn’t Do That” tour segment.

Q: Are the alligators real?
A: As real as your pending existential crisis after visiting.

Q: Can I stay overnight?
A: Yes, but only if you’re undocumented. Otherwise, please exit through the gift shop.

Q: Is this safe for kids?
A: Define “safe.” We offer live wildlife, razor wire, and legal gray areas. Kids love it!

🛍️ Souvenirs

Commemorate Your Visit to the Last Place Anyone Wants to Be

Alligator Alcatraz Gift Shop (Coming Eventually!) – In the meantime, browse our exclusive swamp-chic catalog:

🐊 Plush Alligator with Prisoner Jumpsuit – Cuddly. Judgy. Reptilian.

📸 “I Got Detained at Alligator Alcatraz” Mugshot Frame – Includes fake rap sheet and faux DHS logo.

🎽 “One-Stop Deportation Shop” Tank Top – Soak up the irony and the humidity.

🛏 “I Survived Alligator Alcatraz” Aluminum Emergency Blanket – Doubles as tourist protection and legal metaphor.

✈️ Boarding Pass to Nowhere – Your fake one-way ticket to “voluntary repatriation.” Printed on swamp paper.