Local Legends

Tales from the Swamp-Side That May or May Not Be True
(Filed under: Unverified. Uncanny. Unread.)

The Phantom Drone of Runway 13
Glides silently in the fog like a bored mosquito with a security clearance. Last seen circling the Departures tent in 2017. Still waiting for a missing customs form to process. Some say it’s powered by bureaucratic limbo. Others say Steve from Maintenance flies it on weekends.

Warden Gator Joe
14 feet of scaly justice. Wears a broken zip tie like a badge of honor and has an eye for unattended flip-flops. Once intercepted a beach ball escape attempt. Now leads morning roll call with an aggressive tail slap. Guards refer to him as “Deputy Warden.” Inmates call him “Sir.”

The Escapee Who Made It (But Didn’t)
Legend has it one detainee did break free. He carved a boat from a cypress stump, fashioned paddles from cafeteria trays, and now gives swamp tours “off the books.” Only accepts payment in marshmallows and broken wristwatches. Will vanish if you ask to see a receipt.

The Whispering Python
Slithers through the tarmac at 2am, murmuring excerpts from rejected asylum applications in five languages and soft Latin jazz. Possibly a ghost. Possibly a hallucination. Definitely unsettling. Reportedly smells like printer toner and swamp mint. Side hustle: emotional support reptile (unauthorized).

Bonus Sighting: The Croc-in-Crocs
A rogue fashion icon with a crocodile face and pastel rubber footwear. Appears during heavy rainstorms and mandatory fire drills. Will trade fashion advice for cafeteria pudding. Motto: “Comfort is resistance.”