July 1, 2025 will go down in Everglades history, somewhere between “invasive python discovered eating a lawn mower” and “airboat parade canceled due to military jet traffic.”
Yes, it’s official: Alligator Alcatraz is open for… business? Detainment? Confused tourism? All of the above.
Nestled deep within the swampy embrace of the Big Cypress National Preserve and guarded by 30,000 of Florida’s crankiest reptiles, Alligator Alcatraz combines the charm of a Cold War airstrip with the hospitality of a DMV on fire.
🎉 Highlights from the Grand Opening Ceremony:
Gov. Ron DeSantis cut the ribbon with a pair of bolt cutters while standing between a barbed wire fence and an agitated spoonbill.
President Donald Trump called it “the most beautiful swamp prison I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen them all.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem encouraged would-be detainees to “try the app instead.”
🏗️ Built in just eight days using aluminum frames, logistical overdrive, and enough duct tape to terrify OSHA, the facility can hold up to 3,000 immigration-bound souls, 1,000 staff members, and approximately 1.4 panthers per square mile.
🎖️ Features include:
- Air conditioning (for the staff)
- Three hot meals a day (also for the staff)
- One runway to freedom (for everyone else—one-way only)
So pack your passport, your sense of moral ambiguity, and maybe a flare gun. Alligator Alcatraz is open for business. Just don’t try to leave.