Park Map

Navigate the Nation’s Most Secure Non-Park Park (Map not to scale. Or reality.)

Key Locations:

Deportation Runway Scenic Overlook – Wave goodbye to due process in style!

Detainee Processing Pavilion – Chillier than the welcome. Features our patented 8-minute paperwork funnel.

Razor Wire Walkway – Perfect for photos. Terrible for shortcuts.

Staff Village – Pop-up paradise with air conditioning, free laundry, and morale at 63%.

Three Meals Café – Serving reheated patriotism daily. Now with gluten-indifferent options.

Alligator Perimeter Experience – Walk the fence. Spot the wildlife. Question your life choices.

Detergent & Detention Gift Emporium – Take home official Alligator Alcatraz soap, used only once!